originally posted a couple of years back on facebooks – i will have to say i havent written a rant, blog, whatever like this in a while – im frankly embarrassed of my writing as of late so im hoping i can redeem myself with older shit – here ya go…
i wrote this back in september after a nose flaring night at gallettes in ttown but yet i still play there every wednesday – i guess im a glutton for punishment – anyway i started the open mic at innis free in ttown last night and minus the drunk birthday girls it wasnt TOO bad – listen ladies its great you want to have fun with your girlfriends and celebrate one of yalls birthdays but the list and tiara thing are as unoriginal as yelling “freebird” at a concert – for more on this read further – i dont want to have to repeat myself like you girls do when you tell me its your friends birthday (see #6) – i know already!!! i dont care!!
who doesnt love sorority girls? the majority of them are fit for the pages of playboy – they travel around in packs wearing the latest fashion flaunting their sexuality as if it were a pair of diamond earrings – if they say they dont theyre full of shit- nobody walks out of the house with what these girls have on without knowing what theyre doing- guys, girls always know what they are doing – the more revealing the clothing the more they know – theyre not asking for it they just know you think they are – they dont buy a short skirt or a v-cut blouse because its comfortable – they use that prowess to get or do just about anything – including telling me its their birthday expecting me to pay attention to them – if only it were sorority girls – its any girl who has probably gotten most things due to the fact that they know guys are totally mesmerized by their rack – chances are if you play music for a living you play to these girls and the guys (we’ll call them enablers) who chase them around - if you think that you are an enabler to, wise up jackass – the whole reason you get paid for these gigs is to put up with their bullshit all night long – not because you write or play good music – more often than not these girls think the world should stop so they can announce to everyone, “its mary ______’s(insert second name here) birthday!” – really? i totally didnt know seeing as how she has a list around her neck of things to do before the night is through, a boa and a tiara that says im 21! on top of that the bitchiest one of the entourage, which every birthday girl has, feels the need to tell me its her friends birthday WHILE I AM PLAYING A SONG! I AM PLAYING A SONG! i cant talk to you right this second – thats just the beginning it gets worse from there – i really want to go to the mall where these girls work with a group of friends and repeatedly tell them while theyre helping someone else that its my friend steves birthday – but i cant do that – even though it would be great if i could film it and put it on youtube – since i cant i thought since girls and etiquette go hand and hand as any house mother knows, i would make a list of what not to do when a band is playing – here it is-
1. dont talk to the band while we are playing – we cant hear you because we are playing genius – most of the time we are playing the song you asked us to play while we were playing the song before! which brings me to number…
2. dont ask for a song and then leave or walk off – were only playing your song because we are trying to be nice because its our job
3. dont get mad at me because i dont know your favorite song – i dont know wagon wheel – which by the way is just an out of right field song that has slowly taken over the top spot for most requested – which brings me to a side note – if you do play music for a living you only need to know five songs and play them over and over – they are:
1. brown eyed girl
2. beast of burden
3. sweet home alabama
4. dixieland delight
5. widespread panic/ grateful dead / phish / dave matthews
not necessarily in that order they can change at any given moment depending on the region you are in – the number 5 bands are especially tricky because usually its a dude that requests these bands and asks you to play these bands by asking you only using half the name, “dude you know any panic?” or “play some dead” or my personal favorite “play some dave!” – dave who? you are going to have be more specific because there are A LOT of daves in music – dave clark, david lee roth, dave mason – these kids have not a clue who these daves are and they would argue with you all night long as to why their “dave” is better than yours – phish is in a league all their own – you cant halve their name – which was probably a consideration on their part – but if you dont know any you certianly dont know dick about music according to these music scholars – the number 5 bands also play covers but often they are obscure to the average listener so an argument almost ensues about who originally sang their favorite, “all along the watch tower” – i cant believe after all these years ive been playing music ive finally met you a 21 year old frat kid whos gonna learn me on rock history – thanx kid im better for knowing you
4. no you cannot get up on stage – you have high heels on and there are all kinds of hazards up here for a vulnerable drunk girl like yourself – just tonight i saw a girl bust her ass! she almost broke her neck and might have but she wont know until she wakes up in the morning and cant turn her head – no sympathy from me people – ive been drunk plenty and if i got into trouble while drunk guess whose fault it is?
5. dont ask to sing a song you dont know or are afraid to sing – seriously dont act like what i do is easy – singing in your car or shower is the equivalent of putting gas in your car vs being a car mechanic – saying you want me to help you sing is ME singing it – this actually is just another ploy to get on stage so everyone can see them so they can be special – guess what? youre not! and no i dont think i am either im just getting paid to be here
6. last but not least – dont repeat yourself – you already told me it was mary blanks birthday – you told me a million times – i just played beast of burden – you asked me to play it the first time – im not going to play it again because you think, “nobody was listening” – sweetheart nobody listens period – again its why i get paid
im sure those of you who play have similar horror stories – for those of you that dont play, NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR BIRTHDAY – its just another day – you were gettin drunk before you were 21, you get drunk after – theres nothing special about it – all this also holds true for bachelorette parties – i dont care that youre getting married but if you want me to ill play your wedding – it will cost you $2000 and that my friends is a whole nother blog which im sure i will write…